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VULTURE PUPPETS by AXTELL!
Broadway Show
"The Two and Only". Now on a national tour... see this show!
I had so many people come up and say "Oh he's got a cat". Screams! Laughter! Heart attacks!! when the vulture jumps up! Just make sure you've got liability insurance!
Try it and have fun.
Colin Dymond
(Jay's "Nethernore")
A mother's Day poem by
Buford Buzzard
© 1999 John Hardman˙
Who laid the egg and never cried?
Who warmed it with a wing of pride
And watched it hatch with me inside?
My Mother!
Who learned me how to circle high?
How to walk and how to fly
And how to see thing from the sky?
My Mother!
Who searched the highways night and day
To find a creature flat that lay
Crunched by the tires of a Chevrolet?
My Mother!
Who taught me how to hover low
And swoop down on my foes below
And never let my conscience know?
My Mother!
Who taught me how to pick the meat
From the bones of little feet
And leave a carcass, oh, so neat?
My Mother!
Who got me through the stormy flight?
Who tucked me in my nest at night?
Who held me with her wings so tight?
My Mother!
Although her wings are growing grey
And she circles far away
I only love her more each day.
My Mother!
When I’m called up in the blue
And stand before the one that’s true
I hope that He remembers too….
My Mother!
If there's road kill on the road, do the rules of the road apply to a vulture's eating? What if the silly vulture thought they did?
Vulture: "Road kill has so many rules it's hardly worth eating it...."
If the road kill is within 10 feet of a stop sign, you have to stop and look both ways before you eat.
If it's laying in the middle of the road on the dividing line: You can only eat the half on the right side of the road if it's a solid line. But you can eat both halves if it's a dotted line, as long as there's no other vultures coming.
If it's laying in the intersection of a 4 way stop, and 4 vultures arrive at the same time you have to yield to the vulture on your right.
If it's in an intersection with a stop light, you have to wait to eat until the light turns green. If you're eating and the light turns yellow, you have to hurry and swallow.
Steve Axtell Vulture puppet will be a hit for you!
ORIGINAL VULTURE ROUTINE by DOUG HIGLEY
Being a puppeteer is a very special skill you know...
V: Oh it is is it..."
It's all in the arm...
V: No...I'm on the arm...how do you hold it up like that?
Never mind...well here we are...
V: yup...here we are....uh...now what?
I havent't the slightest idea...I'm sure they came to see you!
V: Oh they did huh...who the heck are they anyway?
Never mind, I'm sure they are nice folks...
V: Oh I don't know about that...they look dangerous to me...what's that kid starin at? I get nervous you know...it's pretty close to thanksgiving you know...
Stop it...I'll bet all these folks are interested in Vultures...
V: Oh yeah? Well I'll go catch one (trys to leave)
Whoa...come back here...you are a Vulture!
V: I am? Is that like a Turkey?
Well...sort of...
V: Cause it's pretty close to thanksgivin' ya know!!!
Never mind that...a Vulture is a bird
V: IT IS!!!!!!!
Of course it is...
V: Is that like bein Italian? Cause I sure like Lasagna...with anchovies...
That makes sence...birds eat fish and anchovies are fish...
V: Say...about them anchovies...
Yeah...
V: I'll go get one...(pulls away)
NO you have to stay here
V: Get me an anchovie then...
NO...just hang on a
Well there's one around here somewhere...something stinks I'll tell ya that! (looks at vent)
Don't look at me! Vultures are amazing creatures you know..
V: They are huh?
Yes...they can fly for miles and miles for days on end in search of food.
V: Why don't they just go to the store?
How DID you get so ignorant!
V: Well...it wasn't easy...I think on that last line though I had a little help...
Maybe I should just stop talking to you...
V: Well...that's one way to get your lips to stop moving...
Your lucky you don't have lips...you have a BEAK instead.
V: Oh yeah! A good size one too!
Yes it is.
V: Something wrong with this one though...
Oh really?
V: Yeah...IT'S GOT A HAND IN IT.
Now cut that out! Birds like the Vulture can fly for thousands of miles just to find a nesting site...soaring over the deserts...over the lakes and seas...skimming the waves...up and down...over cresting waves day and night...through calm and wind...rain and fog...up and down...say what's the matter with you?
V: I'm gettin sea sick! HOLD THE ANCHOVIES!!
That's enough...lets change the subject...have you ever been to the zoo?
V: Well I lived on a farm once...does that count?
You lived on a farm did you?
V: Oh yeah...and on the farm there was a zoo.
On the farm there was a zoo?
V: ee eye eee eye oh...ok ok...it was just a little zoo...oh...but it was sad you know...
What happened?
They had to close the zoo.
No visitors?
V: Oh plenty of visitors awright...but the worm died.
The worm died?
V: Well you can't have a zoo with no animals now can ya?
Your telling me the zoo only had a worm? ONE worm?
V: Country folks are easily entertained...besides the farmer told 'em it was a SNAKE.
Why didn't he just go get another one?
He was afraid of snakes!
(exasperated) Why didn't he go and just get another worm??
V: Well he was a late sleeper and another farmer got up earlier than he did and opened his own zoo...you know the old saying...
The early bird gets the worm?
V: NO! If your afraid of snakes...stay in bed!
What ARE you looking at?
"That kid in the front row..."
Which one?
"That one"
Which One?
"That one...the one that looks like a cheese burger..."
There isn't a single child in the front row that looks like a cheese burger...why did you say that?
V: Cause you won't let me mention anchovies...
etc. etc.
Have fun....Doug Higley
Kenneth M.F. McGrath
Mean/Nasty Male: Vic DeMise (Victimize - and Demise means death...)
Mean/Nasty Female: Violet Ends (Violent Ends...)
Hungry/Desparate: Slim Pickins (Slim as in hungry, Pickings - pretty graphic description of vultures)
Cagey/Clever: Monty Hovers (Three Card Monty, Monty Hall and vultures circle their prey until death)
Mobster/Mafia Guy: Vinny DaBird (Stereotype à la Sopranos)
Spanish Vulture: Volero Feasta (like Flying Feast - fiesta... get it?)
Dark" Humour: Mort Flighty (play on words re: Mortality)
JOKES!
Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"
A vulture walks onto an airplane. The stewardess says, "Would you like me to put your suitcase in the luggage compartment for you, sir?" The vulture says, "No thanks. It's carrion."
Q) What did one vulture say to the other vulture?
A) I've got a bone to pick with you !
Q) "Why do you have a vulture in your birdcage ?"
A) "As a warning to my cat. Last week he ate my parakeet."
Q) Why did the vulture land in the road?
A) Cause the chicken didn't make it.
Q) How long does it take for him to eat the chicken ?
A) Depends on the traffic
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer points.
What’s the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can’t take their wing tips off.
What’s the last difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait until you’re dead to rip your heart out.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
--Buzzards have the nickname of "Dancing Hawk." They will go on a field and dance up and down, making worms think it is raining. When the worms surface, the buzzards grab them for food.
--Buzzards are often blamed for killing sheep, but this is very uncommon. They will not usually attack live sheep (though not unheard of), but will eat dead sheep. A shepherd might not know the difference when he sees a sheep getting eaten.
--Buzzards tend to coast with the wind currents. This makes them slower at flight.
--They are very playful animals.
--Will eat about 30 mice a day at times.
--A great myth about the Buzzard:
Matt Bronsil
