When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
and make his life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all the joy he's provided,
returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited.

When I'm an old lady and live with my son.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, he will shout. .

. .

when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
When he's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head,
and when he is done I'll hide under the bed. . . .

When I'm an old lady and live with my son.
When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals.
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able

When I'm an old lady and live with my son.
I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day. . . .

When I'm an old lady and live with my son.
And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
. . . when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

Received GRANNY today. We shop for tennis shoes tomorrow. Again, you have outdone yourself. She's a beauty. I can see why these latex puppets are so popular. For example, Granny's toothless grin can stretch all the way up to her ears!!

Again, thanks for the quick attention to my order. Granny will be the hit of the evening at my upcoming benefit at a local nursing home. As Granny says, "I have a lot of get up and go . . . . Everytime I get up, I hafta go."
Samuel Shive

from Jenny Coulon / Worldvents

Old MacDonald and
Aches & Pains Check out AxTrax Puppet voice CDs here!

Big Blue Ball.com

-- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided
to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two
years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She
responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp
as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

--I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower
in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge..

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid-eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"

----------

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear
again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

----------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants."

----------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone
you love? You know... The one that's red and has
thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?"

----------

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients
being discharged.

A student nurse found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly
let her wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she
asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

----------

A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember. Later that night,
while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the
kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment, and then says,
"Where's my toast?"

----------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

----------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

----------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but,
it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

----------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

----------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana
split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

----------

Remember ... getting old is not for sissies. It's
sometimes really difficult, but it beats the
alternative.

Tom Rogers
Ventriloquist/Puppeteer ... and one of the old guys.